This one is so obvious it feels like cheating.

Why John Waters hasn’t gently asked him to give up acting in camp is one of the universe’s greatest mysteries.

If a scattering of bon mots in the  mouths of wooden actors was enough to save genre filmmaking, Ed Wood beat you to it. 

You know you lack credibility when no one believes you died because your own site reported it.

Thanks for all the years of mollifying white guilt, shoveling schmaltz, and rewarding scenery-chewing. 

Yeah, but there are plenty of dudes with washboard abs waiting tables in LA.

Younger, healthier and wearing more rings than his brother. Who’s still twice as good.

Because sports culture should be defined by a white millionaire who thinks Pearl Jam, The Hangover and pro wrestling are cool.

Dirty words and douchebaggery can’t distract from the fact that you pull rabbits out of a hat for a living.

As the Catholics have learned, please be wary of adult male disciples of Christ with a strong interest in children. 

More lucid than the average mean-spirited drunk.

Getting your drug money one $3 blow job at a time is both more dignified and aesthetically tolerable. 

If Jeff Koons started his career now, he’d never last a minute in the cutthroat world of Etsy and XTube.

If only you died before there was any chance of the word “Metallica” appearing in your obituary.

Airtight proof against the contention that good Christian rock is possible.